Homework dreams
I had what my husband calls “homework dreams” for the last two days. For him, homework dreams are where he is taken back to his college days doing endless amount of homework required for majoring in chemical engineering. For me, the dream was about studying for the Korean college aptitude test.
His and my dreams are slightly different, because I actually never took that test. I studied for it for a semester in high school in Korea and came to the US to finish my study and go to college here. But that one semester was the most stressful six months of my life when it comes to the pressure to excel in school, and maybe that is why my homework dream was the Korean college aptitude test.
I can’t help but attribute the dream to the fact that I just came back from a 2-week road trip with my parents. One topic that invariably comes up is how my choice of college didn't meet their expectations. After 10 years, my family is still taking about how I should have gone to a more prestigious college.
The school I went to had tremendous resources and privilege as well as world-class professors—more than I could ever leverage enough of. I really don’t think going to a more prestigious college, say a top Ivy League school, would have changed my life trajectory at all. I would have still chosen not to get a job immediately after college, convinced I would sing for a rock band. I would have still worked for a low-paying startup, thinking it’s cool to do so. If it changed one thing, it would have made my parents proud. But would it really?
And it still doesn’t explain why my homework dream (lol) wasn’t about SAT but its Korean counterpart, does it? Well I know—I am still holding on to (some) people’s and my own judgement that I didn’t finish studying in Korea but “fled” to the US to escape the pressure. Now that’s some 20-year-old guilt. And most people won’t even understand or care. It’s just stupid.
Waking up from the dream where I underperformed in the Korean college aptitude test for two years in a row, I felt devastated that this unnecessary anxiety would haunt me forever regardless of who I am in the present. The only way to overcome the inferiority is to achieve something great that everyone will acknowledge, like going to a top law school, but I wasn’t confident if I can pull that off now. I’m 32, and I don’t even want to go to law school!
So what now. I am reminding myself that I decided a few years ago that I will not let fear drive my life. I learned and practiced letting positive feelings like joy and hope to be the motivators. Fear is a powerful and tempting motivation, but what it gets me won’t make me happy. I do wish that someday I will let those decades-old judgements go.
